there wasn't much that could keep her from this moment. the notes, emails- the phone calls and cigarettes together all meant one thing.
she used to wake up in the morning, dry mouthed from the night before and unmoved about what had happened under those sheets. he always wanted her when he was drunk, only wanted her then. it didn't make her feel used, because she was usually just as faded, but missing something.
three girls and two boys later she wanted to go back where she came from. where she knew she would have orgasms and chocolate milk whenever she wanted. now, she ate only vegetables and drank maker's mark. no one would believe her later, though about these times when she and her roommates stole every thing they at, wore and talked about.
i'd come home around 4 from my job as a writing tutor. i only worked about 12 hours a week, and no i wasn't in school, so that made it part time. ironically, i made enough to pay my rent and bills but I guess i needed excitement or whatever they call it. we would all get together, the four of us girls, and just take whatever we needed. there were, of course, whimsical musings- like the time when we stole sharpie markers in every color, Polaroid film, and scrapbook paper to document the night's activities. but most of the time we would borrow really great red wine that we couldn't afford, spinach, rice, carrots and organic soy sauce, all of course that we could afford, but at the time, felt it was owed to us.
i can remember walking into Walmart and taking DVDs, chapstick and hair dye for one adventure. and while walking out, took a huge dog bed for my roommate. i moseyed out the front doors, bed under arm with no complaints.
my heart would pound as a walked down aisle 15. peanut butter, nutella, organic bath salts, ancient vine mouvedre, vouve. my bag burst with celery, jasmine rice, coconut milk, lettuce, beets, all natural gluten free chocolate chip cookies and vegan cheese- then i walked out the front door. never once was stopped or even looked at funny. when i wore my doc martens, though, i always got nervous.
my roommates thought people were always staring at them. and i had to tell them, "it's because you're anorexic, you have a shaved head, and you have a shaved head, head to toe tattoos and a ginormous gash on your knee". I looked like the Stephanie from Full house compared to these three. so i had to steal everything. panties, gifts, blank cds.
it was pretty cold that night we went out. she had on her leather jacket, she had just shaved her dreads. we left one on for fun that night. her skinny skinny body had on baby blue skirt with white lace around the bottom, home made multi color leg warmers, the same tank top she always wore, and of course her black combat boots that she lined herself with knitted wool. fascinating, even now as i write. as usual, we had all chipped in to purchase the gallon of whisky, always maker's mark. towns vanzant or the pixies was blaring over the stereo. piles of discarded Polaroids littered the hardwoods. one girl was in the kitchen making coconut ginger rice for dinner. then the sounds of water pulling through the bong.
mazy tumbled through the front door and a winter blast of snow followed in after her. she had socks on her hands as mittens, a tattered halter dress in the pattern of an old red and white table cloth, combat boots- no hat and a fiddle. She smelled like Milk and Honey lotion from Burts Bees.
"I didn't know it was supposed to snow tonight". I said. It was the only time a snow storm had ever caught me off guard. I always wanted to know because of the possibility of school cancelling. Although there was only one time when college was cancelled, the wind chill was 40 below. We ate mushrooms, opened the window to our third floor apartment and blasted Dark Side of the Moon to the night air.
In came adele, who had traded her combat boots for white roller skates, "hey bitches" she yelled as she rolled to and from the kitchen to the living room.
There were four of us who lived there legally adele in the basement, mazy in the attic and me and campbell on the mainfloor with legitimate bedrooms. one bathroom with a clear shower curtain, a tiny kitchen that always had smooshed veggie stains in the linoleum, a dining room, living room, and creepy backyard that no one, but the dogs, used. my bedroom was bright yellow and was full of antique furniture the owner had left.
I scored the biggest room because i was instrumental in getting us all together. campbell had been a good friend of mine, adele used to sleep with my ex-boyfriend, and mazy already lived with adele. I was the link between all three. i had a haning plant in the corner above an old picnic table that housed my computer, make up collection and pens. my bookshelf was made from cinderblocks and could only old about a 1/4 of the books I owned. i slept in a green four post bed, with one post missing and kept my clothes in a green chest of drawers. i also owned three handmade hula hoops.
the front door opened again. it was our smallest friend, jenny bean and her friend maria who was falling hard for mazy. Little jenny and i spend our time writing poetry in sharpie on the exposed beams of the house down the street that was being remodeled.
insert poem here
jenny had been dating esoteric eric for six years. maria was her new friend. girls like that don't keep friends for long. their emotions and tastes are nomadic.
"hey little bean", I approached her for a hug and sniff of her hair.
We came home later that night after the punk show at the local burrito place. the skinny one was dancing wildly and everyone was commenting on her head. she was sweaty, but it was freezing outside. they all stayed there and I left to meet him at a show he was playing.
Tall, red curly hair. Freckles, pale and smooth- always wore boxers. I had one picture of him on my phone. Unshaven. This is how they all were. Blue eyes. He played the mandolin in a bluegrass band. I had caught eyes with him about 8 months before at a house party and I hadn't seen him again until we were kissing underneath my green umbrella.
He was at the bar drinking a PBR. Hey, followed by an awkward hug but accompanied by an intense stare. "I'll take a whisky, splash water". He was picking at his fingers. "getting ready for the show?" I teased him.
"Say, what are you doing later on?"
"I told you my rule about that, 10 minutes" I replied. He had forgotten our conversation the other night. He loved it then. He seemed less than wowed right now. See, I had told him that since the break up, I wasn't committing to anything unless it was in the next 10 minutes. I said yes to everything, during those precious moments. Unfortunately, it didn't get me into any trouble.
People began to trickle into the bar. Guinness, PBR made the floor sticky and I was alone, waiting for him to finish up the gig. A couple of hours later we were battling the hill up to my house. We were always drunk together. He had the softest lips.
"the woman who lived on whisky alone!" belted little jenny when we walked through the door. i gave her a wet hug. there were more people at my house than the usual late night crowd. he and I went into my room and i put him to bed.
i noticed blood on the floor in the living room.
"what's going on, cambi?"
"when i came home, she was in the floor and jackson was licking her knee. I didn't know it was this bad."
adele had gotten hammered that night. no different than any night, really. she combined pot, antidepressants, alcohol and Xanex and fell on something rusty. it cut her leg to the bone and all she was thinking about was that she had told some friends she would sheer alpacas with them in the morning. "Then why'd you get wasted" i asked. "i dunno." she answered. her blood was thin ang kept gushing out of the wound. They saw bone, I could hear them say that. We placed her in the bathtub, her head bobbling around like on a spring. I kept her leg straight as the others carried her down the stairs. we gave her a hydracodone and made her drink a mason jar full of water.
the shearers came in the morning and stitched her up. she sheared alpacas and brought the wool home for us to wash, dry and spin. Sort of like being at a laundromat.
That night I crawled into the bed he was sleeping in. I grabbed hand and started massaging. "how'd you know that I love my hands massaged." I'm thinking, everyone does. I slept in a worn in blue Florida t-shirt, the one she had loved. he slept naked.
"i can't stay here long, I'm going to fall in love with you." And then, he was asleep.
In the morning, i woke up to him directly behind me, his wide hands on the small of my back. "you're so tiny." His hands reached under my thighs and pulled me close to his body. The morning was yellow.